But today, God showed me something. He made me just the way I am, and He is not ashamed. And He loves me. He doesn’t care what others think. He is my Audience of One.
How come I’ve always known this, and today it hit me like a ton of bricks? It brought me to my spiritual knees and I almost cried. Over what? The knowledge that God loves me. But I’ve always known that. Only today, I realized that He loves me in spite of my failings.
He knows the things I’m bad at…the areas where I long to improve. He knows how much I want to quit sometimes…just throw in the towel and give it up. But He has me where I am for a reason. Maybe it’s not to be the star, or even very good at all. Maybe I’ll be the worst. But maybe I’m there to be kind to someone who needs me. To love someone. To show God’s love. To encourage someone who is upset. Just to be a light.
And suddenly, I’m OK with that. I’ve always wanted so badly to be good at this. Today, it’s OK that I’m not. It’s such a relief…I want to cry. It’s like a weight the size of all the oceans has been lifted off of me. And I look up, trembling, afraid…and everything is sunshine. Because I know that even if I fail at this…God still loves me.
This is my surrender. The surrender of my prideful dreams to God. I’m bowing down to Him and I’m saying…it’s OK. Take it, take me, take everything I’ve got. You are all that matters anymore.
I always held on to this with both hands, like a child, selfish and afraid that it would hurt to let go.
But this feels so good.
I still want to work hard…to get better. That’s not wrong. I just don’t want to idolize this. A little piece of me still wants that glory. It’s gonna be a battle…but God is on my side.
Give up those things that you cling to so tightly…give them to Him. Look what He does with the caterpillar…turning it into a butterfly. Trust Him to do the same for you.
He can make something beautiful out of your deepest fears and insecurities. Just give it to Him, and see.
