Cats

I have decided that, without making a sound or hinting with an expression, all cats are silently laughing at the human race.

 

Butterflies

Up until today, I have been terrified of my own inabilities. The knowledge of them crippled me…crippled who I am as a person and who I allowed myself to be. It was like I was constantly punishing myself because I wasn’t as good at certain things as other people wore. That, to me, meant I was worthless.

But today, God showed me something. He made me just the way I am, and He is not ashamed. And He loves me. He doesn’t care what others think. He is my Audience of One.

How come I’ve always known this, and today it hit me like a ton of bricks? It brought me to my spiritual knees and I almost cried. Over what? The knowledge that God loves me. But I’ve always known that. Only today, I realized that He loves me in spite of my failings.

He knows the things I’m bad at…the areas where I long to improve. He knows how much I want to quit sometimes…just throw in the towel and give it up. But He has me where I am for a reason. Maybe it’s not to be the star, or even very good at all. Maybe I’ll be the worst. But maybe I’m there to be kind to someone who needs me. To love someone. To show God’s love. To encourage someone who is upset. Just to be a light.

And suddenly, I’m OK with that. I’ve always wanted so badly to be good at this. Today, it’s OK that I’m not. It’s such a relief…I want to cry. It’s like a weight the size of all the oceans has been lifted off of me. And I look up, trembling, afraid…and everything is sunshine. Because I know that even if I fail at this…God still loves me.

This is my surrender. The surrender of my prideful dreams to God. I’m bowing down to Him and I’m saying…it’s OK. Take it, take me, take everything I’ve got. You are all that matters anymore.

I always held on to this with both hands, like a child, selfish and afraid that it would hurt to let go.

But this feels so good.

I still want to work hard…to get better. That’s not wrong. I just don’t want to idolize this. A little piece of me still wants that glory. It’s gonna be a battle…but God is on my side.

Give up those things that you cling to so tightly…give them to Him. Look what He does with the caterpillar…turning it into a butterfly. Trust Him to do the same for you.

He can make something beautiful out of your deepest fears and insecurities. Just give it to Him, and see.

 

 

Don’t Fall in Love with a Fairy Tale.

I fell in love with a fairy tale.  The perfect boy who’d do me right and love me just for me.  He was everything…my larger-than-life knight in shining armour, my dream boy, my fairy tale.  I’d known him since I was born.  His smile could melt any girl’s heart, his blue eyes are the stuff of heaven.  I dreamed about him.  In my mind, he was everything I could ever want in a guy.

But so much of him was just a dream.  He’s a real person…a real boy on the football team, my first best friend, a handsome, kind, respectful, good kid.  But it’s hard to tell the difference between this boy and the boy I hoped he was.  The boy I imagined he was.  The boy I dreamed he was.

Yesterday he hurt my feelings.  Not the first time that has happened.  It’s subtle, insignificant, most would say meaningless and unimportant.  But because I dreamed of him as being the boy who would never hurt me, because I thought he was all that and more, his brief, inconsiderate words broke my heart.  I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach.  I laughed and got away to be by myself for a minute.  I could hardly breathe.  “Oh well,” I told myself wildly, “He’s just a jerk…he doesn’t matter…I don’t care.  What an idiot, how could I not see it?  His poor luck not mine.  He’s immature and stupid.  Who needs him?  Not me.”

But he was supposed to be my everything.  And I’m a terrible liar.  My heart just wouldn’t believe my words, not even when I smiled and laughed and brushed him off like dust from the shoulder of my winter jacket.  Just plain unimportant, he was, nothing to me at all.  But then why do I keep thinking about him?  Why does my life seem empty without him?  What’s that hole in my heart doing there?  I feel crippled, like I’m missing a leg and can’t stand straight.  I go to lean on those dreams and hopes and they’re just not there anymore.  And I fall.  He’s gone.

Don’t fall in love with a fairy tale.  Don’t dream too much.  Don’t let the sun glinting off his shining armour blind you.  Be honest with yourself.

Because some day, those dreams and false hopes will be revealed.  What goes up must come down, and you’ll fall.  And on that day, you’ll realize just how much you depended on those dreams…just how much you needed them.  Just the faintest breath of an insult, the slightest hint of disinterest, and you’re broken.

Don’t put yourself there.  Don’t fall in love with a fairy tale.  It hurts too much.

 

Weddings

OK so I’m sixteen and not even close to getting married, but I still think weddings are beautiful (who doesn’t?) so when I read this I wanted to share it with any readers who may be brides-to-be!  Here are the wedding regrets of a few brides and what they would change if they could have their special day over again.  Some of the advice seemed very practical and useful.

If you are getting married soon, congratulations!  I wish you all the best.

 

Failure Redefined

“I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

-Michael Jordan

 

Locks of Love

Recently, I mentioned how I donated my hair twice to an organization called Locks of Love.  Since then that topic has generated a lot of interest on this blog so I thought it would be good to write a little more about it.

I’ve always had long hair that grows really fast, but I’ve also spent most of my life playing some kind of sport or another.  So it was always a challenge to keep that long hair back while still staying active.  Finally, around the time I was a freshman in high school, I took the plunge.  Standing on the rim of my bathtub while my Dad carefully measured off 10 inches of my hair, I then tied it in a ponytail, and winced as he snipped.  Then I put the ponytail in a plastic bag, put the plastic bag in a padded envelope, and shipped it off to Locks of Love in Florida.  Another identical package went off about 5 or 6 months later.  So, up till now I’ve donated 20 inches of hair to LOL, and I’d like to do more in the future.  I was inspired by a lot of my friends and relatives who’ve done the same thing.

So what is Locks of Love?  This not-for-profit, non-religious organization provides hairpieces to disadvantaged children aged 18 and under who suffer from medical conditions that cause them to lose their hair.  The most common of these is an auto-immune condition called alopecia areata which has no known cause or cure.  Other circumstances that applicants are dealing with include chemotherapy treatment for cancer, dermatological conditions, or severe burns.  Each child and their family are screened by the Locks of Love Board of Directors before receiving their very own custom-fitted prosthesis.  These hairpieces are handmade from 6 to 10 donations of 10 or more inch-long cuts of human hair, and require 4 to 6 months to make.

Many families dealing with a severe accident or illness befalling one of their children do not have the resources to pay for a hairpiece, which can cost from $3,500 to $6,000!  Locks of Love provides these protheses free of charge or for a nominal fee, depending upon individual financial need.  Imagine being forced to go to school every day and to face the world around you, not only sick or hurt and confused, but also bald.  A hairpiece gives a child much-needed confidence and restores a sense of normalacy during a very, very difficult time.

If you have long hair and are interested in donating, or if you know of a child deserving nomination, visit the Locks of Love website for more information.

I like knowing that rather than going around with twice the hair I need, a child somewhere can face each day just a little more bravely because of me.  It’s just a haircut…but for some kids, it is so much more.  Get involved by checking out Locks of Love.

 

Are you a member?

I think I am a member of the Freak Out Club.

 

The Ranch.

One of my favorite places on this Planet Earth is the ranch.  That’s what I call it…though of courses there are hundreds of ranches where I live.  But when we say “the ranch” that can only mean one place in the world to me.

Its high up in the hills.  You get there by a windy dirt road covered with rocks.  Sometimes the pine trees clear for a space and you can see the clear drop to the river.  It makes your heart race…but only a little.

Then you get there.  Pop out of your truck and enter the combination.  Swing open the rusty metal gate and roll down the road to paradise.

My kind of paradise.

There are mountains everywhere, covered with evergreens kissed by the sun.  There are contented cows watching you from pastures on either side of the road.  There is a picnic spot with ancient tables and hand-hewn chairs and benches, and a sink that doesn’t really work, and a counter where we can put homemade salsa and potato salad, and a firepit for roasting meat or toasting marshmellows.  And a hammock strung between two trees.  Every piece, every item, was hauled up there at some point in the past by one of the members of the extended family who owns the ranch.  Ever since I can remember, so many of my memories have been lived out there.  Hunting shotgun shells as a child, running to the pond to pick wild blackberries, skipping through the pastures in my little rubber boots, laughing with my buddies, getting muddy and playing “house” under the pine trees.

My friend was married there…at a place now called the “wedding site”.  She was married in an open field under the hills and the trees, the wind blowing her white dress and her curls and her veil, but never shaking the smile on her face as she looked at the man she would love “for better or for worse”.

I’ve ridden horses there.  Galloped across the fields, my hair blowing.  There’s an old Arabian proverb that says, “The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse’s ears.”  On the ranch, I learned the truth of this.  Me and my horse swam in the creek, me in old jeans and a bathing suit top, hugging close to the strong, wet neck of the horse, my face buried in her fragrant mane, laughing, feeling the power beneath me as she swam, screaming with my friends as the cold water splashed us.  And then we got out and back on the fields again, shimmying out of wet jeans and into shorts, our bare legs clinging to the horses’ sides, galloping with all the freedom in the world.

I spent the night there on my sweet sixteen.  It was my gift from my best friends.  They brought the horses up there, me blindfolded.  When they pulled off the handkerchief, there I was, in my most favorite place in the world.  We learned what it’s like for three teenage girls and their horses to spend the night under a sky full of glittering stars and the shadows of the pines and the ancient mountains.  What its like to curl up under warm comforters and fall asleep to the sounds of horses.  To wake up with the dawn, when the sun paints its favorite colors across the morning sky, just for those who arise early enough to watch.

Tomorrow, I’ll spend my Labor Day at the ranch.  My friend who was married there just over a year ago is now pregnant with her first baby, and we all having a barbeque near the wedding site.

What better place to be?  This is the ranch…the place I spent as a child sticky with sap, smelling of smoke, face streaked with blackberry juice, lovin’ on the horses, giggling with my friends.

To me, it symbolizes a happy childhood and all that is beautiful about growing up in western America.  This is my home.  This is the ranch.

 

Girly talkin’

I sorta kinda love being a girl.

White nail polish is fun…plus it goes with my soccer uniform (school spirit and all!).  Oooh and I have a killer shin guard tan!  YES!  LOL

I wore a lot of sundresses this summer.  They’re super comfy and they’re cute.  And because I’m a hicktown chick after all…I wore them with cowgirl boots.  hehe

You know something?  I’ve never dyed my hair…or permed it…or even had it done at a salon.  Ever.  And I’ve probably straightened, curled and blow-dried it under 20 times total.  My friend’s mom, a hairstylist, cut it for me.  I’ve donated 10 inches twice to Locks of Love.  And I think I need to cut it again…it’s too long for soccer!  And it’s sooo thick.  I’ll go to a salon this time, but I need some advice girls!  What do you know about thinning hair?  My friend advised it but I’m not so sure.  Also, any tips on coloring?  I want to try that just for fun sometime!  Is it safe for hair?  I have really healthy hair and I like to keep it that way…nice and natural.  But sometimes that can get boring so I feel like shakin’ it up a bit, you know?

Ah!  I have my senior prom this year!  I’m so excited, it will be super fun.  And I have this really special thing where I’m going to sew my dress with my Grandma.  She’s an amazing seamstress…she made my mama’s wedding dress…and it’s going to be her special gift to her granddaughters to help us make our senior prom dresses.  I know JUST want I want too!  It’s going to be sleeveless, floor-length, a beautiful silvery-blue color, with a corset-style bodice and a flowing skirt.  I wish I knew the fabric names!  It will be gorgeous and I hope it turns out!  I have pictures and everything.  It’s kind of ballerina-style.  My princess dress!

Today I walked my dog for several miles and mowed the lawns and wore sports shorts and a wife beater and Uggs.  So I guess you might say like I feel like being a girl right now.

It’s so fun to be a girl!  We just have all the fun.  I really feel sorry for guys when I think about it.

lovexoxo

me

 

Unwritten words…

I love Natasha Bedingfield’s song Unwritten.  It’s beautiful and it makes me think about something I’ve never considered before.

Maybe God has given each of us words. And these “words on our lips” can truly be spoken by each of us and no one else.

If only we will have the courage to speak.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if each of us used our God-given voice and abilities and affinities to their full potential. How would we change the world? It starts one voice at a time.

Speak the words on your lips…and see how God uses you. Don’t be afraid. You and only you can use the voice He has given you for His glory.

 

 

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten.